Decisions, Decisions...

I hate decisions. Especially the small ones. See, usually the big ones aren't that hard to decide on. But when it comes to deciding where we're going to eat tonight or where to put that picture in my house, I totally sink.

Getting married? A lot of people say that is the biggest decision of their lives. For me, there was no question. How could I not marry Rob?

This is different, though. I have a really big decision to make. One that could, and will, ultimately effect the rest of my life. I don't even know where to begin. The worst part? I have to decide by Friday.

I've mentioned before about second guessing my decision to become a teacher. Especially a public school teacher. Let me start from the beginning.

Last summer I landed a job working at a summer camp mainly helping in the preschool. I was working with 2, 3, and 4 year olds all day. At the time I didn't really like the job too much, because I never knew what I would be doing from day to day and if I'd be stuck doing something I didn't really want to (teaching the elementary kids). This is one of the places that made me realize that I don't want to teach elementary school. Well, I'm back at summer camp this year and am loving it! I'm teaching 4 year olds in my own classroom. It's awesome. I really love the age group and the atmosphere of a private Christian school. This is where things turned on me.

One of the assistant teachers had a baby in June (he's so cute!). She won't be coming back. This means there is an opening in the fall for an assistant teacher. They wanted me to do it! I was so super excited and said yes right away. Of course I want a full time job working with the kids I love! Then my little bout of joy came to a screeching halt. This job is for the school year. Which in the fall is cool. I'm only taking night classes (boo.). But... I'm supposed to student teach in the spring. NOOOO!!! I DON'T WANT TO!

I don't want to be an elementary school teacher anymore. I don't want to teach middle school math anymore. I don't want to have a full time job I don't get paid for and not have a job to pay bills with. I don't want student teach!!!

Then the wheels started turning. Maybe I don't have to student teach. I can graduate in December with my bachelors in educational studies, work full time at the preschool, go back and get my masters (which I planned on doing anyway) and get certified in early childhood there. But, if I student teach, I can graduate certified in elementary and middle school math, take my Praxis in early childhood and get certified that way. But, then I'd be losing out on an awesome opportunity to get some experience for my resume, which is SOOO important in finding a job!!

Then, another idea popped into my head. I could take all of the early childhood classes in the next two semesters and student teach in the summer. Well, they don't do student teaching in the summer (boo, again!). So, maybe I could student teach in the fall.

Or, I could take all the early childhood classes and not student teach at all. And go get my masters.

I don't know what to do!!! I REALLY want to work next year. Rob and I want to pay off some bills and start saving. I really DON'T want to student teach next spring. But, maybe I should anyway? I'm so confused and hate this feeling. I wish I could fast forward time and see what each decision's effect would be on my life.

Anyone have any advice?

Here goes!

I've been tagged by Julia!

The rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

1. I have a perfectly irrational fear of spiders. I can't believe I just typed that word in my blog. I can't even look at the word anymore... it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't know where it stems from, but I need therapy or something. Although, if I went to therapy I would at some point have to confront my fear, right? Um... no. Not gonna happen. I couldn't even shelve the books at the library with pictures of spiders on them, hence the lack of pictures on this particular point. I can't kill them either. That's what Rob's for. :o)
2. I hate girls with small boobs. Okay, hate is a strong word. I am extremely jealous. I have huge boobs (I won't go into details), and I carry a very large grudge against those girls who can go to the store and buy a bikini (or wedding gown for that matter) without worrying about spilling out. Oh, and don't get me started on Victoria's Secret. Apparently they think that DD is as big as it gets. Think again! So, I'm stuck ordering my "granny bras" (because they don't make cutesy bras for us "full-figured" girls) from a website direct from the UK. We always want what we can't have, right?
3. I am very shy around new people. In fact, I think people often take it as me being stuck up. Rob has actually told me before that I have this air of being better than other people. I'm really not like that! I'm just totally uncomfortable around new people! Especially crowds of new people!
4. I have a thing for forearms. Yup, forearms. Most girls like the "eyes," or "the butt." Nope. I like the forearms. From the elbow to the wrist. There's just something about a man's forearm. Mmmmm...
5. I can't stand the thought of becoming a teacher. Actually, I can't stand the thought of practically devoting my life to teaching. Call me selfish, but I want my life to be devoted to my family and friends. Those who are near and dear to me. I don't want to "grow up" and have a full time job. I want to be a stay-at-home mom and a wonderful wife for my husband. I want to what I want to do with my free time, not what I HAVE to do. I'm setting myself up for disappointment on this one. I pray that God changes my attitude with this one (although I'll never give up my hope at being a SAHM).
6. I am ashamed at my lack on knowledge on all things historical. I'm hanging my head right now as I admit that I had no idea what the Cold War or the Cuban Missile Crisis were until college. I blame it on my schooling. Okay, I'm really good at memorizing all those dates and aced every history class I took, but did I remember it? Also, is it necessary to spend so much time on the Civil War and WWII? We never even broached the subject of Vietnam because we always ran out of time. Even after memorizing all those dates, I couldn't tell you who, what, where, when, or why about anything historical and it's sad.
7. Julia, this one's for you. I was the epitome of the geek in school. I graduated with a 4.3 GPA and was in the top 5% of my class (25 out of 500). I nearly killed myself with stress senior year and still missed hitting the top 10. I also got a 30 on my ACT. I'm pretty proud of this, but I'm a good test-taker. My GPA so far is definitely less dorky, as Julia would say, but it's still pretty up there (3.8). I decided there was more to life than good grades. Blame it on Rob, we met senior year....

I'm supposed to tag 7 people, but now that I'm finally catching up on reading everyone's blogs, I've found that most of the people's blogs I've visited have already been tagged... but nonetheless, here's mine: I tag Clary, Brigid, Yara, Lisa, Kristal, Amber, and Nikki.

Careers

I've been going through a bit of a rough patch regarding my career choices. I am currently attending Lindenwood University to get my degree in Elementary Education and Middle School Math Education, but now I'm second guessing myself.... I think a lot of it is coming from this horrible feeling of dread I had as far as going back to work is concerned.

I'm not one to sit around the house doing nothing for any length of time. I tend to get bored and am ready to go back to work/school. But, this time around, it was different. I kept dreading the phone calls from Subfinder and thinking, you knew it was coming! I desperately need the money, too. Maybe it's because of my EXTREMELY stressful life right now. I mean, how many people carry an 18 hour school load, plan a wedding (the last six months at that), build a house, take care of a new puppy, and work all at the same time? I really don't think I can stretch myself any thinner and still hold on to my beloved family/fiance/friends time. I am just exhausted! Christmas break has been amazing!!! No school, no work, I could focus on the wedding and actually spend time with my new puppy and family. Oh, and go to the gym!!! Yet, I still felt like I was constantly going, going, going.

And, now I have to add the school/work load back on? Ugh.... I don't want to! And, as much as I enjoy subbing as a job, I'm really starting to hate some aspects of it. I mean, it's flexible - I can make myself unavailable whenever I choose (this can be dangerous) - and the pay is good. I can get experience and its something new and different every day (well, almost everyday). But, it's really starting to annoy me that I constantly feel like the new girl, you know? You start a new job and for the first 6 months you're the new girl. With substitute teaching, I feel like it's my first day on a new job EVERYDAY. I don't know anyone, and as much as I try to, I feel as though I'm not making any progress. Some schools are worse than others, where I go to the work room for lunch and nobody acknowledges my presence and as much as I try to insert myself into a conversation, they don't want anything to do with me. Others are better and will at least talk to me and ask me my name. Ugh... I'm just confused right now.

And then, those thoughts are constantly creeping into my head, "What if I'm a horrible teacher?" "What if I can't find a job?" I am so afraid of teaching. It's not like it's a job where if I'm bad at it I hurt myself or get fired from a huge corporation. When you're a teacher, the future lives of the children in your class are at stake. That's a really big burden to bear. What if I, as a teacher, ruin a little kid's life? Obviously, I want to make a difference and be that "favorite teacher" that gets invited to the kid's wedding when he grows up, but what if I fail? I'm so scared. I'm more scared of this than getting married and buying a house. Becoming a teacher is a daunting task. If there's any teachers out there reading this, please give me some encouragement. Tell me I'm not alone in my little world of confusion.

Sorry, everyone, no pictures for this one.